she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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