i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
