I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
