it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
