Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
