if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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