Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
We got so high we made milksteak
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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