dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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