I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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