I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I did not marry a roomba.
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