the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
