I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
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