she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
