I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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