Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
