Umm I'm too high to move.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Randomize
