Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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