My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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