You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
