i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
ugly people sure do ruin things
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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