You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
