Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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