i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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