sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
