you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
