i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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