I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize