if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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