so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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