i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
