dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
