I think I died a long time ago.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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