Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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