That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
