Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
