Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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