She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
only you would photoshop your dick
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
