He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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