I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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