everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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