I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm like, not good at living.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
