tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
