What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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