i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
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