he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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