Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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