if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
We talked him into tasing himself.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
