So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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