girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize