somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
