Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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