Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
