he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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