I wish I could teleport
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
