how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
