if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
