ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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