yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
